Yob Patrol
by Darth David
Summary: Read it all ^_^ Its a take on comedy... Hey, there are funny bits. From the creator of 'Grenades Are For Throwing. Not Eating'
1. Rocks In Space / A New Ned

Right, this gets good

Right, this gets good! Bear with it the beginning sucks! 

A Darth David and NX production... 

Yob Patrol 

Episode 1 ~ Rocks In Space / A New Ned 

NX slipped across the rooftops, silently stalking his prey. 

Their prey, the target. 

He tugged a modified stealth Pokedex, one that would whisper its information in a particularly intelligent voice, from his pocket into his hand. 

"Processing…Cross checking ned database…done. Short range ned. Designed to manage distances such as from the bike shed to the classroom to the head masters office. Notice its deliberate stupor, designed to give the appearance of a drunk; this unit is clearly meant for diplomatic first contact scenarios with rival ned factions. Notice also its elbows are permanently bent, and its fists clenched, as if pushing a shopping trolley, and the look in its bulging eyes, not unlike the look you might expect from a kitten experimenting with narcotics" 

NX adjusted his position on the roof with a dramatic forward roll, just in case the ned should look up. 

Of course, little did he know… 

*creepy music* 

…neds have no necks. 

"This posture shows a ned who has watched a football match while sitting on a seat, hence the arms bent and the eyes wide. He is counting up the goals. It is not uncommon for this unit to suddenly scream, four seasons after the game, in the middle of the street 'YES! ONE-NIL! ONE-NIL!', when in fact it was 2 nil and he is being asked to comment on the last round of the Masters…" 

Now is the time. 

NX shut the pokedex, somersaulted, back flipped, flipped back, and landed in front of the door that the ned had just opened. 

Too easy he thought. 

In a second his radar senses had totally mapped the inner workings of this complex, and he quickly identified his quarry as 'that ned in the corner'. 

"REPORT!" 

His walkie-talkie beeped. No need to worry about being overheard, not here. Yob Patrol had surmised that unless it had the f-word in it, the sentence was out with the standard Ned sense of hearing. If it had six or more letters, the ned collective mind would deem it unworthy of processing and discard it from its memory banks. In addition, if they used words like 'report' and 'behave' or 'Can I please…' then the entire sentence would escape Ned sensors. 

"Target Acquired" 

NX winced from his vantage point. 

This was it, the base. The base! 

There was a large cluster of neds, more than he'd ever seen polluting the same air, he counted the tendrils of smoke from the sticks in their mouths…thirty…forty…fifty neds! 

NX bit his lip, he was missing out on information. 

Ned vocal cords were not like yob vocal cords. 

Their smoking habits broke them down to vibrating at a frequency of seven Hertz. This was used for disrupting the laws of physics so the larger units could actually walk. 

But that wasn't all, it was a weapon as well. 

At 7 Hertz a yobs body releases a fluid not unlike sweat, but internal. This slips into the stomach and tightens it to such an extent that, should you stay within a metre, or even a hundred centimeters of a ned, you will become physically sick within a set time, that varied depending on the person. 

Basically, this meant that neds communicated to their own kind using smoke from their cigarettes, and coughs. NX attached some headphones to his Pokedex, as it translated the conversation for him. 

Only a few neds possessed the ability to speak, but even that was in code, and yob intelligence had not yet deciphered the subtle genders or tenses behind the most common phrases such as "ye're a dobber by the way" 

He quickly deciphered the cluster, found the queen. 

She looked fifty standard yob years. 

That was 15 ned years, he did the arithmetic factoring in skin disease, total withdrawal from sunlight and radiation emitted from bleached hair. 

She hailed the one he followed. 

"Unit 10101, it is five past two, why are you late?" 

"For the benefits of this story" 

The queen ned mulled over this information. 

Her eyes batted, the pokedex translated this as: 'Loading…please wait' 

The target replied with a question: 

"There are no clocks in the room. How did you know the time?" 

Dom Jolly from Trigger Happy TV appeared, blew a trumpet, and a hundred more neds in priestly gowns bowed down to the queen ned, and the core cluster followed suit, waiting for a revelation of ned wisdom, their gospel, to manifest itself in this room. 

"I have a watch" 

There was a loud gasp that fell across the room. NX had digested six polo mints before he came in, that gave him 24 hour resilience to the 7 Hertz weapon. 

Should he be caught, imprisoned. It would take more than that to save him, he knew, but he was glad of the mild security, the thin armor. 

The watch beeped. 

"There is someone in this room!" 

As there were about 150 people in the room, this statement was quite profound. 

"A…YOB!" 

The word 'yob' pulled everyone to their feet, and within seconds NX knew he was caught. 

The rope and the handcuffs were a dead give away. 

"You will do our bidding now!" The queen ned said, and suddenly NX's world went black… 

…then light restored itself as Darth remembered he had some more to write. A hundred clambering noises filled the room and NX was totally surrounded by little neds. Soldiers of the ned collective. These were a faction of the group known only as 'first years'. They were so small, that the biggest part of them is their school bags. They run around the playground madly with absolutely no sense of direction and a purpose to burn as much energy as possible (this is actually a ned tradition; they get the younger neds to test various kinds of trainers for durability) and all you can see is the little bags whizzing around in circles, with no apparent reasoning. NX knew that from these, there was no escape. Kill one, and another takes its place. Kill two, and another takes its place. Kill 100 and you get enough tokens for a coffee machine. And NX didn't like coffee. 

"I surrender! What exactly is your bidding?" 

"You will put the ned patrol online!" 

1 HOUR LATER 

"What's this?" cried one of his guards 

"That's a zip drive" 

"What do you do with a zit dry?" 

For sixty minutes he'd had to endure these constant questions. 

"You bring it up in conversation with girls so they'll go out with you" 

He stared at the screen, trying to work out exactly what was wrong with the HTML code he'd input. 

"What's this?" 

NX didn't even look round to see. 

"A thing" 

"What do you do wif it?" 

"Stick it up your nose" 

A quick inventory revealed it to be a modem cable. Now, NX did turn round. 

"I don't believe it. You're snorting the Internet" 

This trend begins to catch on, and before you know it all the little commando neds are popping plastic in their nose. One ned experiments with a live wire, another with a straw leading to a Ribena Toothkind, another still experiments with a chicken, however that has absolutely nothing to do with the sticking-things-up-your-nose bit…and if we continued this sentence Atma would get too excited and try it himself. (Darth would like to point out it was NX that thought of that… 

At that point, using the same device seen in one of the earlier parts of Grenades Are For Throwing. Not Eating, which involved a frisby, a copy of the beano…anyway, social services majestically strode into the…room. They walked straight past all the neds with their legs in the air and their IT hardware up their nose, and straight to NX, who was ONLY SITTING THERE DOING NOTHING! FOR GOODNESS SAKE! AND WHAT DID THEY SAY???? 

"You are under arrest for…kfamfa;fjamivua young people and jfalkfj;fj;a;kdjfeo and developing a new drug trend" 

NX quickly double clicked a pen. This would have sent a message to his Yob Patrol friends to bust him out of jail, however, Bennet forgot to install this feature, focusing only on the pens ability to write in ink and make a more annoying noise than NX cracking his knuckles (Or Bairdy going 'look at me I can crack my spine' then being admitted to accident and emergency, having had to be lowered from the window of the exam room) so instead he wrote a very quick email using David's touch typing abilities which he had borrowed. Somehow. Attached was his master breeding plan, along with a warning that you could not breed child pokemon with their parents. The fact he'd actually tried this is sickening. 

So NX is in jail! This looks like a job for Yob Patrol, who you haven't actually met yet, and probably don't even have a clue what ned patrol is all about. It's a bit much to hope for us to explain any of this next part, though we will certainly try. To get a cameo Quantum Leap. 

TO BE CONTINUED!


	2. The Yobs Strike Back / Enter The Dragon

Yob Patrol

It has come to the authors attention that some very disturbed individuals actually understood what happened in the last part. We apologise for any inconvenience, or random insanity, this may have caused, and have taken every effort to insure this cannot happen again.

Yob Patrol.

By Darth David and NX! (note the words 'Darth David and NX' were written by NX, thus making this co-authored)

Episode 2: Enter The Dragon / The Yobs Strike Back

In the last exciting episode…no I can't be bothered either. 

The Yob Patrol is sponsored by circular CDs. 

Bennet, David, Greg, Euan and Woods were sitting in Social Education, totally unaware Marcus was currently in jail. 

"So wheres Marcus?" Greg asked

"He's currently in jail" David replied. 

There was a strange clicking noise in the class. Slowly, the group turned round. There was a man with his hand in the air clicking his fingers. This continued until everyone rose their hands silently. Why, we don't know. 

"Hi class! I'm your new social education teacher/best friend! I'm hear to answer all your teenage questions, all the things your really anxious about"

Many hands went up.

"What happens to characters in Neighbours when they die?"

"mmm, K, they go to Queensland!" 

This new teacher had passed the test. 

"Now, if you have any questions - and its not unusual to have them at your age, a lot of changes are happening in your body that will turn you in to hairy fiends, and that's only the girls!"

Nobody laughed.

"Anyway" Blank stares "If you've got any problems, I have a few numbers you can call"

"Well he seems nice!" Bennet said. He was issued with a card. 

TIMMYYYY (apparently if you see South Park, this is funny. If not, like Darth David, you might wonder if your co-author is going to turn out like another Mooman)

Bennet read it. 

"Any problems? Phone 666"

Greg glared at Mr Gilliland in his suspicious way, suspicious because he has no eyes. 

"Mine says 999 and…" David turned his over "Marcus has been arrested. You must save him immediately or my name's not Mr Gilliland! Signed Anonymous" 

"Right" Woods said "What's the plan?"

(NX: No seriously, what is the plan? DD: I was just writing what you said…)

The bell rang, conveniently at that point. Woods and Greg went to Bennets lab. 

SCENE CHANGE! OUTSIDE JAIL! NX RESCUE ATTEMPT!

The Pokemon Master approached the foreboding gate.

"Man. What a foreboding gate"

"OY! PERSON! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

A drop down menu appeared, and David, The Pokemon Master trademark, chose 'trying to free NX' then pressed space bar.

"OH! YOU FIEND! GET HIM GANG!"

The gang didn't move. The man tried again.

"(&)&*&)) GET HIM AND (*&*&^$)"*&£$*"!£ MONKEYS (*&()&)&*) TO THE POWER OF TEN!"

"Ha! You can't stop me! I'm the Pokemon Master! Go, ORACLE!"

David held his Game Boy Pocket out toward the stranger and turned it on.

Nothing happened.

"C'mon Oracle"

"Erm…what are you doing…."

Again nothing happened.

"Why are you holding a Game Boy toward me and shouting Oracle go? What is Oracle fool?"  
"'s my Starmie. Best Starmie in the world"

"Right, men, kick him in"

IN HISTORY! NX RESCUE ATTEMPT TAKE TWO!

"Now class. Today we will be looking at the conditions soldiers had to suffer in the name of trench warfare. To aid todays lesson we will be dividing the class in two and issuing everyone with equal amounts of live ammunition-"

Mr Smith was interrupted by a light shining down the isle of the History classroom. It cast its sultry glow upon the black back wall, immediately demanding the attention of everyone in the room. 

"What's that!?" said an extra

"That's the bat signal. Come on Greg, sorry miss, we have to go" said Woods

"Are you sure it's the bat signal Woods? Looks more like a cat signal…"

A short pause.

"It's the bat signal Greg"

"Oh. Right." Greg finally fell into his part. "Holy Moly, you're right! Let's go Batma-Woods!"

"Sir can we be excused?"

"Of course! I'm not one of those sick teachers who refuse pupils their basic freedom to run around the community unmonitored"

OUTSIDE JAIL! BEAR WITH US HERE!

Woods and Greg aka Wombat and Puffin (see the Batman/Robin tie in there?) ran mightily toward the county jail, which was in the county. 

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way! Free our friend or-"

"Actually, Wombat, Bennet hasn't pencilled in the diagram for the easy way yet, so we're reduced to having stagehands walk across the screen with signs saying 'pow', 'kerang' and 'sponsored by erickson' while we do our funky dance"

"Right. Erm….FREE OUR FRIEND!"

"I'd rather be cemented" said the guard. The fiend. 

"Okay then! We're going to fight you!"

"Alright"

"So just be ready! It's coming!"

"…"

"Just getting warmed up!"

Woods realised there was no way out of this. He swung for the jail guard. A stagehand waved a sign saying 'kerrang' in front of the screen, creating the special effects for this part, but Woods fist bounced straight off the mans jaw.

"Holy ferret!"

Just as Woods fist was bouncing off, having dealt a whopping no damage, a personal best, the light reflected from his watch and hits the guards eyes. The guard fell to the ground. He was now blind and he couldn't see either. 

"Wow Wombat, you showed him!"

"…my…hand…sore…"

"C'mon, lets go free NX!"

"…can't move…fingers…"

The two rushed toward the jail door. It was locked.

"Oh fiddlesticks" Puffin stated

"Careful with the language there Boy Blunder, we have to set an example for the kids!"

"Yes Wombat! I'd rather die than not be able to set an example to the kids!"

Time passed.

"That was a clever trick with the watch by the way Woods. Wombat. What's it for anyway?"

The caped crusaderer (he has a lisp) remembered his conversation with Bennet the same morning.

"Now pay attention Bond!"

"My names Woods"

"I'm particularly proud of this invention. Observe. It looks like a common or garden ordinary watch…"

"…but it has a built in laser cutting mechanism and door decoder?"

"…No, I was going to say it has a light that comes on automatically when dark"

"Oh. Well, can it tell the time?"

"No"

Anyway.

"Apparently right, the player guide says we have to duck behind the table with the two CMP's, whip out the ol' bombspy, fly it round the corner, whiz it past everyones face, attracting their attention all the way, put it to the place which is furthest away from us, and detonate, thus exploding all the guards and allowing us to just walk in there peacefully and get NX. Peacefully."

"Right, so go in guns blazing!"

"What, no!"

By the time Puffin had said anything, Wombat had ran around the corner guns blazing. It's worth pointing out that there was about fifty people in the room, and he didn't actually have a gun. However if he did, it would surely be blazing. 

The guards started toward him. 

"Oh dear. I wanted to show you all my new blazing gun, but I seem not to have one."

"INTRUDER ALERT!"

"Erm, right, can you just hold that thought?"

Wombat wrapped his cape around himself and assumed a dramatic 'escape pose'. Of course by this time he was pinned to the floor.

"Puffin, save yourself!"

The guards were puzzled.

"What, theres another one?"

Puffin stepped out.

"You know, if you hadn't said 'puffin save yourself' I would have managed to save myself, you, and possibly NX"

"Right" Wombat pulled out a notepad and scribbled down 'don't do that again'

INSIDE JAIL CELL! DON'T WORRY, NOT LONG NOW!

NX, Wombat and Puffin sat in a single seater jail cell, sighing at intervals. 

Puffin's mobile phone rang.

"You know, if that happened before with all those guards, we'd have looked really silly" said Wombat, dressed in a bat shaped bin liner and his mothers tights.

"What do you mean we'd have looked silly? We got captured didn't we?"

"Well, yes, that's true"

"And the cavity search revealed a picture of Mr Scott's wife, a rubber banjo and some bleach. Which you said was in case we wanted to wash our hands. You don't wash your hands with bleach!"

"I can't believe you did that" said NX "And I bet there weren't any guards anyway. Hey, shouldn't you be answering that phone?"

"You think?"

"It is traditional"

Puffin, Greg, answered the phone.

"Please Press 1 if you would like to be liberated from a jail cell, Press 2 because I really love you, press 3 if its for eternity, press four to get down on the floor, press five and do a jive!"

Puffin chose 1. 

There was a cracking noise from the wall, it grew, louder and louder, seeming to move.

Suddenly the wall subsided.

The trio looked on, tracing with their eyes the rope leading from the cell wall to the back of a motorcycle. The wall had been pulled in. And their liberator was none other than…Mr Gilliland!

"I mean this in the nicest way kids, but lets kick some ass"

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
